Directed by Paul Lynch
Stars: Jamie Lee Curtis, Leslie Nielsen, Casey Stevens, Eddie Benton, Michael Tough
"The killer is coming!"
Prom night IS horrible. Stupid clothes, watching your classmates gyrate like idiots to terrible music, a deranged person slicing and dicing party-goers...Good times.
Wendy, Kelly, Nick and Jude are playing a nasty version of Hide and Seek when Robin intrudes. She stutters, so of course they hate her. The little monsters cause Robin to have a fatal accident and they leave her broken and bloody, promising to never tell what they've done. Twin brother Alex and big sis Kim are shattered (nowhere near as much as Robin was) by what has happened.
Six years later, it's prom night, which also happens to be the anniversary of Robin's death. Someone is calling those responsible, promising to see them at the prom.
Yeah! Vengeance is mine, sayeth Mystery Caller.
So, the dance begins and teens get butchered. You'll wish you were on the killer's list when the film takes an unexpected and unwelcome "disco break" and we're treated to the unholy exhibition of Kim and Nick performing an awfully choreographed routine to the title theme. (This song will linger in your mind for hours.) The gist is this- Wendy, who is Nick's ex, shows up at the event dressed like a girl for hire. Kim grabs Nick and says, "Let's show her what we can do!" They proceed to embarrass themselves and the entire human race. The prom's theme is Disco Madness. Indeed... I am starting a revolutionary movement, it's called
NO DAMN DANCE SCENES IN HORROR MOVIES. NO. NONE. EVER. Except Grace Jones in Vamp, that was sexy.
The revelation of the killer's identity is surprising and packs a nice punch. The ending is poignant and heartbreaking, for those of you who have a heart. As for the rest of us, we're wishing the killer had succeeded in putting the big chop on the last victim.
Overall, Prom Night is a good flick. But it is nowhere near the bloody prom massacre of Carrie.
Sad side note- this film was unnecessarily rehashed in 2008. If you watched this garbage, you're a traitor to the cult film community and must exit this site immediately.
Not so sad side note- I would have voted for Wendy and Lou as prom king and queen. They rule! When they're not busy being dead.
Directed by Vernon Zimmerman
Stars: Dennis Christopher, Tim Thomerson, Linda Kerridge, Mickey Rourke
"NOBODY pushes Cody around!!"
Watch this instructional video and master Eric Binford's easy 12-Step Program to a Short Unsuccessful Life. An excellent plan to lose friends and influence nobody.
1. Watch classic cult films obsessively.
2. Smoke too much; sleep too little.
3. Work in an oppressive, hostile environment.
4. Fixate on a certain dead blonde bombshell to a disturbing degree.
5. Refuse the notion that fore-mentioned dead blonde bombshell is D-E-A-D.
6. Live with a freaky "aunt" who loves back rubs (ewwww...) Push her wheelchair bound ass down a flight of stairs as soon as possible.
7. Dress up as Dracula, watch Night of the Living Dead, murder foul-mouthed streetwalker. OK, accidentally murder the whore, but definitely drink her blood on purpose.
8. Put on your Hopalong Cassidy duds and pokerize jerky co-worker.
9. Mummy shuffle your boss to death.
10. Bust some rapid caps gangsta style in a Hollywood producer's chest area. Take that you dirty rat!
11. Drug a dizzy blonde bombshell wanna be and flee to Mann's Chinese Theater.
I've heard this system works. I can't post any testimonials though (see Step 12.)
Directed by Richard Jeffries
Stars: James Earl Jones, Martin Kove, Jose Ferrer, Deborah Shelton
"You weren't expected, and the natives here aren't exactly friendly."
I wish I'd been in on the meeting when this movie was pitched, as I am sure there was plentiful booze and good shit to smoke floating around the room. They just don't make weed this good anymore, as evidenced by this crazy mess of a movie.
Basic plot is Neil (portrayed by Martin Kove- yes, sensei!) goes to a remote island in Greece to find his sister. He and wife Sherry don't receive a warm welcome from the pissed off inhabitants. Apparently, weird treasure hunter Frye (James Earl Jones) has awakened an ancient creature that demands ritual virgin sacrifice. All of this has to do with some nuns in a monastery(??) and the cuckoo sister, Madeline.
What we have here are a few great actors and some terrible actors slumming it on location in Greece. Surely the legendary Jose Ferrer hadn't read the entire script when he signed on for this train wreck. There's a nun massacre, a monster that is seen for a few seconds, a barely coherent Jones, and a freaky incestuous kiss between Neil and Madeline. WTF?! And Deborah Shelton couldn't act her way out of a wet paper bag. Frye should have blown the whole island up 15 minutes into the film to spare the viewers.
Directed by Robert Clouse
Stars: Joe Don Baker, RG Armstrong, Ned Wertimer, Bibi Besch
"You mean there's more than ONE?"
Vacationers to Seal Island have a bad habit of abandoning their dogs there when they go back to the city, which creates a huge animal control issue. The dogs are starving and viciously attack anyone that gets in their way. This movie is ten times scarier than Cujo.
The island is completely cut off from civilization. There are no phones, police, firemen, or boy scouts. There is a radio, which is broken. No place is safe when there are about fifteen mangy angry canines on the rampage.
Funniest scene- fat loser bastard Tommy gets scared while out walking with a female companion and runs off, leaving her to make her way the best that she can in the woods. The pack chases his sorry ass right off a cliff where he falls to his cowardly death.
The dogs in this film are amazing. The humans aren't so bad either.
Directed by Robert Hiltzik
Stars: Felissa Rose, Jonathan Tiersten, Karen Fields, Christopher Collett
"Yo Angela, how come you're so fucked up...I mean like, what's your problem?"
Robert Hiltzik dedicated this movie to his mother. I wonder how she reacted after she viewed this nastiness for the first (and I'm sure only) time?
The accents are so thick in this one, you might want to watch it with subtitles.
Nevertheless, this is a great slasher flick that has a strong cult following, and with good reason.
8 years ago, Angela is witness to the accidental death of her father and sibling. Now living with cuckoo Aunt Martha and protective cousin Ricky, Angela leaves for Camp Arawak with her cuz. Auntie M has kindly forged the camp physical paperwork for the kids, warning them not to tell anyone that she filled them out herself, even though she is a doctor. This lady is a doctor?!!
Camp Arawak IS wack. At least at Camp Crystal Lake you only have the killer to worry about. I am sure that none of the staff or the owner is qualified to work with children in any way, shape, or form. There's an obvious pedophile cook, dumb as dirt counselors, a maniacal owner, Robert Earl Jones (James' daddy) as the creepy second cook in command...And then there are the campers themselves. With their half shirts and Daisy Dukes on (the boys too!) and their insufferable attitudes, you see right away that shell-shocked Angela doesn't have a chance. She doesn't fit in and immediately makes an enemy of super bitch teen queen Judy. Angela looks perpetually stunned by her environment, her eyes as wide as a deer's caught in the headlights. If only!
This movie is infamous for its famous final scene, so I won't go into it here. But if you haven't seen it, DO IT NOW. You won't regret it. This film is gruesome and full of icky surprises. There is an effective aura of foreboding from beginning to end, and you will be disgusted enough with Camp Arawak to empathize with Angela's predicament.
Directed by Andrea Bianchi
Stars: Karin Well, Antonella Antinori, Peter Bark, Gian Luigi Chirizzi, Roberto Caporali
"This cloth, it smells of death!"
Italians are F-R-E-A-K-S. For proof, just watch any old Italian horror flick. They love to pour on the gore, and this movie is a prime example of how warped they can get.
Of course, along with the splatter, we get some ooh-la-la for good measure, but the overall tone is of dread and disgust.
In a production filled with moments that will burn themselves into your tender brain, there is one scene that leaves viewers gasping in shock and disbelief. No, it's not the fact that there is a little person portraying a child in the movie- that's just odd. And it's not that the "child" and his mother are having an incestuous relationship. To put it mildly, let's just say that it is not a good idea to breast feed your son after he's become a zombie. Of course, a mom who makes out with her kid has questionable
reasoning skills anyway.
They don't waste too much time getting right down to the killing. All hell breaks loose fairly quickly, and though the typical zombie movie cliches prevail, it's still entertaining to watch the maggoty monsters chase the terrible actors all over the place. In truth, it's a toss up on what's scarier, the reanimated dead or Michael the midget/dwarf/little person. (What IS he?) Now, I will state here that I am not prejudiced against midgets, dwarves, little people, elves, fairies, sprites, brownies, trolls, or adult humans under five feet tall. But I mean it when I say that Peter Bark CREEPS ME THE FUCK OUT. Is it because he's an adult pretending to be a child? A child who makes out with his mother...among other things!
By today's standards, this movie might seem cheesy. But it is a prime example of old school Italian horror and I love the downbeat ending. Worth watching.
Directed by Marc B. Ray
Stars: Fred Holbert, Leigh Mitchell, Angus Scrimm, Rob Bastone
"See what I do for you...I get groceries, and clothes, and art stuff, and kill people...do you appreciate it?!"
For reasons that remain as murky as this film, a child kills his father with a tractor, losing his hand accidentally in the process. Badda bing- he's sent to a crazy house and fitted with a cool claw hand. Mom never comes to visit in all the years he lives there. I wonder why?
An older, freakier looking Matthew emerges from the institution, ready to be reunited with his beloved mother. (Who authorized this guy's release? He's obviously nuttier than a fruitcake.) Unfortunately, his release date is also mommy's wedding day and our boy doesn't like that one bit. Matthew wastes no time wasting his new daddy and his unfaithful mother. Then he hits the road, in one of the weirdest murder sprees ever committed to film.
I love this movie! It's supremely craptacular. Bad acting runs rampant, as does the "kid" Matthew. (He looks about 30 years old, but everyone keeps calling him a kid. This viewer was not convinced, and you won't be either. He looks like Stuart from MadTV.) What were they smoking when they came up with this storyline? I want some! Even the music is unbelievable.
Best scene- a feeble old woman with two canes does not go quietly when Matthew tries to murderize her. She puts up the best fight in the film! Watch out for an unrecognizable Angus Scrimm as her doctor. Too bad he didn't have a couple of those flying silver orbs with him, he might have survived to see the end of this movie.
Think of it as an empowerment film for the handicapped...
You'll laugh bloody murder when you see this one.
Directed by David Paulsen
Stars: The Boom Mic, William Sanderson, Christopher Allport, David Gale, Marilyn Hamlin
"...I bet it's that tiny little thing your mother sucks on every night before she puts you to bed!"
Arrogant, neurotic city slickers go out to the boonies and tangle with murderous country bumpkins. The story doesn't matter, this film is actually a drinking game. Every time you see the boom mic, or it's shadow, take a shot! I guarantee you will be drunk as a lord by the time this sleazy film is through.
Best scene- Nicky, a flaming queen from the Bronx, beats the cowflop outta some ignorant hicks at the local watering hole. Nick's wearing a pair of shorts so tight you can see Tony Orlando and Dawn tying a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree!
This flick is a total mess technically and dramatically, but it's got some genuinely funny and entertaining moments that will hold your attention. Remember- watch out for Boom Mic, the real star of the show.
Directed by Herb Wallerstein
Stars: Bo Svenson, Robert Logan, Yvette Mimieux, Clint Walker, Sylvia Sidney
"This wasn't an animal, and it wasn't human either!"
Abominable snowman wrecks winter carnival! Will the Winter Queen survive? Does anyone give a shit?
Kind of a Jaws on Ice, this movie is about a creature threatening the tourists at a winter resort while the people in charge decide to ignore the rising body count and proceed as normal. A total snoozefest, Snowbeast is innovative in that none of the black characters get killed, a rarity in the horror film genre. Oh wait, this is a film about SKIING, there are no black characters! My bad.
Sylvia Sidney is irritating as the old queen who runs Rill Lodge. Robert Logan yells a lot. Yvette Mimieux is akin to a Robonic Stooge, bland and boring as hell. Only Bo Svenson shows any charm as the Olympic gold medalist adapting to a new stage in his life. I suggest he start by feeding his wife to the Snowbeast!
Obviously made during the heyday of the Bigfoot craze in American pop culture, this flick is only mildly entertaining, and does have some good scary moments that are outside the tv movie trappings. Otherwise, the action is just dull dull dull. If you drink a glass of warm milk while watching this, you might slip into a coma.
Directed by Amando de Ossorio
Stars: Barbara Rey, Jack Taylor, Manuel de Blas, Maria Perschy, Blanca Estrada
"I don't believe in Santa Claus, phantom ships, or fortune tellers."
I love how this movie opens. Models on a photoshoot calmly go about their work as the woman directing the shoot steadily insults them. Genius!
In one of the dumbest marketing moves ever, two models are left on a boat in the middle of the ocean to fend for themselves. What they exactly are supposed to do out there is never entirely made clear. The ladies run into a ghost ship, an ancient Spanish galleon that seems deserted. Bored and terribly unsuitably dressed, the models board the creepy ship and immediately run into trouble. Meanwhile, a private search party tries to find the damsels in distress.
No common sense was involved in the making of this film. What the hell is going on and why is as foggy as the mists that surround the phantom ship. And it takes too long for the zombie carnage to begin! This is basically an inferior Knights Templar zombie flick, a real waste because the galleon is really scary looking. Skip it, unless you absolutely must see every zombie movie ever made. Good for a few laughs.
Directed by Phil Messerer
Stars: Devon Bailey, Eilis Cahill, Michael Strelow, JoJo Hristova
"I've made a shortlist of townspeople who could make likely candidates for human sacrifice."
Yes, I know- this site is dedicated to films shot in 1990 or earlier. BUT, when director Phil Messerer contacted me about this wonderful movie, I HAD to review it. I am glad I watched it, because it gives me hope that there are some modern horror films that are worth your Mistress' time.
Twin sisters Lara and Helen are polar opposites. Lara has a shrine to Anne Rice in her room, need I say more? She's your stereotypical sarcastic goth chickie. Helen is a goody-goody Barbie clone who mocks her sister's overuse of eyeliner. Their brother Raymond is a closet case medical student who still lives at home and collects rubber bands(?!!) Rounding out the happy family are Mom, the bitter ex-figure skater, and Dad, an uncouth clod who promptly exits the story. You won't miss him, there's a lot more going on here.
After a humiliating 16th birthday party, Lara performs a voodoo ritual with Helen as the target of her unsavory intention. When her twin promptly dies, Lara is devastated.
Creepy Raymond experiments on Helen's blood and discovers she had a strange blood virus...before you can say Type O Negative, Helen is back from the grave, pasty faced and gore splattered. She is a vampire! The remainder of the flick deals with how the family copes with Helen's affliction. It's bloody and funny. If you don't laugh when the Mormons get theirs, you have no sense of humor. I've been wanting to get back at these Jesus Salesmen for YEARS (how many times have they woken me up from a booze fueled nap on a Saturday afternoon...you just want to scream "If Jesus can't heal my hangover RIGHT NOW, leave me the fuck alone so I can sleep this off!)
I enjoyed this indie take on the vampire genre. I especially liked the myth of the vampire Oya that is woven into the story (more in Part 2 maybe?) The characters are all well developed, and Raymond was a real revelation, I wouldn't mind watching a movie just about him. A real maniac! Anyway, see this film, I highly recommend it. Watch for recurrent themes of sacrifice and cuckoo birds...
You can vote for this film in the Vampire Film Festival. Do it!
Directed by Tara Robinson
Stars: Nicola Fiore, Liannet Borrego, Brigette Robinson, Kristina Plisko, Jesse Schwartz
"We didn't order no fucking clown, we ordered a stripper!"
Rules are meant to be broken, especially by moi. That's why your Mistress is happy to review this little piece of interactive video gore, even though it was made in 2009. Thank you to Adam Prusan, creator and producer of Chuckle's Revenge for sending me your film to review! Your Mistress is very pleased...
Poor Chuckle, all he wants to do is entertain a bunch of hot drunken sluts at a birthday party. Unfortunately, these ladies were expecting Long Dong Silver or some such to show up and grind against their knees for dollar bills, so they are not in the least bit amused by Chuckle's antics. A year after being pantsed AND assaulted by the birthday party bitches, Chuckle decides it's time for revenge!
This movie is fun, plain and simple. It's a Choose Your Own Adventure horror flick. You decide what the characters will do. My favorite choice was between smoking or drinking (took me an hour to pick one, I wanted to do both!) An interactive horror movie is a genius idea, especially for those fans who complain about the dumbass decisions characters make...now YOU can make the stupid choices for them!
Scary clown, smokin' hot girls, blood...this one I recommend highly.
Directed by Frank Henenlotter
Stars: Kevin Van Hentenryck, Terri Susan Smith, Beverly Bonner, Ruth Neuman, Robert Vogel
"What's in the basket, Easter eggs?"
Duane and Belial Bradley are not your average brothers. Once-conjoined twins, the affable Duane and beastly Belial are on a murderous spree of bloody revenge against the docs who separated them and tossed Belial in the garbage.
A beloved favorite of cult horror fanatics, this movie delivers on so many levels that it can only be termed a masterpiece. It's seedy, humorous, gory, and twisted. Just like I like my men! Every character is fascinating and real, especially the guests at the Hotel Broslin. You want to know their stories. Who are they? How did they end up here?
This flick is chock full of golden moments. A wide-eyed Duane walking down the street while a drug dealer offers him every illegal substance known to man, the "Crazy Broad" recounting the tale of the previous tenant of Duane's room, Duane's drunken admission of exactly what he carries in his basket and why, Belial's two disasterous attempts to get busy with the ladies...Don't look away, you'll miss something good! And if you've ever been a victim of cock blocking, watch this film to find an extreme method of handling this mating situation.
This film was successful enough to spawn a few bigger budgeted sequels, but nothing compares to the cheapie creepy original. Not to be missed!
Directed by John T. Kretchmer
Stars: Julie Benz, Nicole Bilderback & Monica Keener. Supporting roles include Christopher Lloyd, Janet Leigh & Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)
"By the by, if I ever get pickle tits just like her, just shoot me, okay?"
Ah, the "Huns". That's what the girls from Hunter Pines call themselves and if you're not from Hunter Pines, you're not worthy. In a similar vein as Heathers, Jawbreaker and Mean Girls, comes a little tale of turf war a la murder. Danielle (Julie Benz), Tiffany (Nicole Bilderback) and Brooke (Monica Keener) are the shiznit of Valley High. A year ago, Danielle's unrequited love, Drew (a.k.a. Danielle's property, played by the late Jonathan Brandis) lost the girl of his dreams, Chastity. But when the new foreign exchange student Katarina (Suzanna Urszuly), arrives, bearing a supernatural resemblence to Chastity's character, everyone sits up and takes notice and Drew falls hard. Well Danielle is not about to lose her non-existent boyfriend again so she sets out to teach the new girl a lesson. However, suddenly, Danielle, Tiffany and Brooke start looking old and haggard, their beloved beauty fading fast. They are convinced something's afoul with this Katarina. Unfortunately, nothing seems to scare the mysterious and aloof Katarina, who hails from Transylvania nonetheless, and the Huns conclude that Katarina must be the dead ghost of Chastity out to exact revenge against them. Now they must muster the courage to eliminate her before the girls lose their hot bods and good looks forever.
Janet Leigh plays a wonderful cameo role as Mrs. Witt, Chastity's stroke-ridden grandmother that Danielle is forced to take care of at the local convalescent home for community service credit. Christopher Lloyd plays Mr. Chauncey, a teacher at Valley High as well as the accident prone and molest-y photography club instructor.
It's worth a download from netflix and will make you feel blessed to have good movies available at your fingertips.
Oh, and by the by, Aaron Paul? He overacts as one of the dorkiest, spazziest and most painful to watch characters I've seen in a long time. But I still have the hots for him in Breaking Bad. Thank the Stars & Moon that boy has grown up! Enjoy. No! Of course I'm not going to tell you the ending. If I had to suffer...so do you. (sadistic, hm?)
Reviewed by Rachel Bennett
Directed by Ruggero Deodato
Stars: David Hess, Christian Borromeo, Annie Belle, Giovanni Lombardo Radice
"Now we're gonna have fun with these cunts!"
This Eurosleaze classic starts with a rape/murder and then just takes the train straight to Crazy Town. Anyone who has seen Last House on the Left will notice similarities right away, from star David Hess to the ripoff title!
The action starts when nasty creepo Alex rapes and kills a woman he met earlier in the evening at a disco. (How he manages to rape her while wearing his zipped up slacks only the director knows.) Later, he and his mentally challenged buddy Ricky are inexplicably invited to a party by a snobby young couple who don't seem to mind this sweaty and socially inept pair of rejects.
Alex and Ricky eventually unleash their barely hidden animosity upon the party goers, sexually assaulting and thrashing everyone in sight. This goes on for quite a long time. One begins to wonder how all these seemingly sophisticated and intelligent people couldn't figure out how to overpower these two nimrods. But wait...there's more! In a twist, it turns out that this chic group has lured Alex and Ricky to the house in order to avenge the violence committed by Alex in the beginning of the film. They are willing to let themselves be humiliated and violated (for what seems an ETERNITY) in order to justify their reciprocal savagery. Sound screwy? It is!
Repulsive, crude, offensive...these are a few choice words to describe this flick. Yet, there are some strangely erotic moments as well, if you can stand the fact that David Hess is involved in the scenes. It will take a strong stomach to sit through this entire film. If you are lucky enough to see it on DVD with Extras, watch them! David Hess' interview is a jaw dropper. He's as gross in real life as he is in movies! Ick. Your Mistress wanted to beat him within an inch of his life listening to his bullshit.
To sum it all up for you, expect to see exactly what the director of Cannibal Holocaust would create. Vomilicious!
The human body is a fragile system. Horror films graphically illustrate the myriad ways this delicate network of bones, nerves, organs, and flesh can be destroyed. Draining, devouring, decapitating, drowning, and so many other methods that don't start with "D"! It all leads to the biggest D-word of them all...death. And there will be blood. Lots of blood. Heh, heh.