Directed by Don Siegel

Stars: Clint Eastwood, Andrew Robinson, Reni Santoni, John Vernon, Harry Guardino

"...but, being that this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and would blow your head CLEAN off, you got to ask yourself one question- do I feel lucky?"

Bow down mortals! You are in the presence of one of the great film icons, Dirty Harry Callahan. Every man wants to be him, and every woman wants to be with him. This movie set the bar high in the 70's for the action genre, and a slew of imitators were born in its wake. Don't settle for faking the funk, this is the real deal.

Sniper Scorpio is stalking the streets of San Francisco, striking victims at random. Rogue cop Inspector Harry Callahan is on the case and plans to catch his quarry by any means necessary. Dirty Harry knows Scorpio is a punk ass bitch, killing by stealth because he doesn't have the balls to go one on one with anybody. Rather than sit back and let Scorpio run rampant and escape justice because of a few stupid rules, Harry opts to do whatever it takes to catch the criminal, even if it means giving up his badge in the end.

Can you say "perfection"? There is not one stylistic mistake to be found in this movie. Eastwood is THE MAN, rugged, cynical, witty, and filled with righteous indignation at a flawed system that would allow known criminals to roam free. Andrew Robinson plays his role to the hilt, you will hate his cowardly yellow guts. JOHN VERNON is in this, for the love of cheese! Vernon is one of the demigods of cult moviedom, better to see him in this five star flick than in one of the many craptastic films he made during his career. If you are any kind of movie fan, you must have seen this one, no excuses.

 

Directed by Alberto DeMartino

Stars: Stuart Whitman, Martin Landau, John Saxon, Jean LeClerc, Tisa Farrow

"You can't see what lovely little Louise was really like, can you?"

A police captain investigates the death of his sister and discovers that he didn't know her at all. His idea of her as an innocent college student is radically different from the sordid life she actually led.

Good low budget actioner with lots of gunfire, car crashes, fisticuffs, and nakedness. It's cool to see all these cult movie veterans in early roles. A great way to kill a few hours in front of the television. The fight scene between Stu Whitman and the apartment full of drag queens must not be missed!

Directed by Cirio H. Santiago

Stars: Steve Sandor, Mike Lane, Andrea Savio, William Ostrander

"The nuclear holocaust wiped out all semblance of rhyme or reason."

So, that explains this movie! Just another one of the myriad Mad Max rip-offs set in a post nuclear world. Tribes of humanity battle each other for water, the most precious commodity on earth. Forget your stocks, bonds, and 401-K's, Evian is the currency of the future.

What makes this low budget actioner worth watching is the sight of all the women dressed in little leather shorts. We get rape, decapitation, bitches getting smacked up, midget abuse, and a golden shower. And STILL this movie is boring. WTF?!! And surely oil is just as vital as water, since everybody in this film drives some kind of souped up vehicle, including tanks.

With so many actors running around in this cast, you'll need the following color coded guide to figure out what the hell is going on. Good guys wear brown, beige, white, and a smattering of black. Bad guys wear mostly black. Hope this helps.

Directed by Roy Rosenberg

Stars: Susan Lee, Larry Moore, Stella Jone, George Bill

"OK, you've got pride, but while you're here you're going to have to do without it, and I'm going to start beating it out of you right now!"

This is a terrible example of a WIP film! For the uninitiated, WIP stands for Women in Prison, a complete genre of action/drama films known for it's hot lesbian sex scenes, brutal fights between mostly naked women, and daring escape attempts that result in total chaos and bloodshed. This crud isn't even WIP-Lite.

Why should you watch this? One reason only. There is an Asian actress who performs throughout this film in blackface and an afro wig! She's supposed to be African American! It's hysterical, and she's the only interesting person in the whole movie.
 

Directed by Michael Winner

Stars: Charles Bronson, Deborah Raffin, Gavan O'Herlihy, Alex Winter, Ed Lauter, A Shitload of Bullets

 "It's like killing roaches - you have to kill 'em all, otherwise what's the use?"

Whenever your Mistress sees the words 'Golan-Globus' at the beginning of a movie, she gets a total hard-on. Oh yes, this is a Golan-Globus Production. Schwing! You can count on being thoroughly entertained by those Golan-Globus guys, and this flick is no exception to the rule. America's favorite vigilante architect is back in action in this third installment of the Death Wish series.

Plot, we don't need no steenking plot. Who cares about the plot? What we have here is gunfire and explosions, plus all manner of disgusting gang violence. It's a beautiful thing to see Chuck Cunningham chew the scenery as gang leader Fraker.  (He's a real monster in this movie. When Fraker tells Kersey he's going to kill an old lady just for him, you believe it!) And while Manny Fraker is truly a scary dude, the gang members depicted here are hilarious. Their costumes make them look like they're refugees from a failed Broadway update of West Side Story. Awful!

This movie is a masterpiece of violence. The climax is pure chaos. Turn up the volume and fill the room with the sound of guns, guns, guns, and the agonizing screams of punks getting their just desserts as they are riddled with bullets. You will feel like you're really in the midst of an urban war zone. I won't give away the best scene, but I will give you a two word hint- ROCKET LAUNCHER. Kids, they just don't make them like this anymore. A true classic that just gets better with repeated viewings.

 Crazy fact- Jimmy Page thoughtfully provided the original music for this epic mayhem. 

Directed by Walter Hill

Stars: Michael Beck, James Remar, Deborah Van Valkenburgh, David Patrick Kelly
 
"You're just part of everything that's happening tonight...and it's all bad."
 
Quintessentially the best cult classic ever made. You may feel free to argue this point with me but I warn you, I'm well-versed on this subject.
From the opening title credits to Joe Walsh belting out "In the City" for the credit roll at the end, this film is riveting.
 
Let me break it down old school for you.
 
Gangs. Gangs controlling the neighborhoods of New York (Gangs of New York?)(Oddly familiar ring) are all called to a rally in the Bronx to listen to what the head honcho, the big cheese, the "One and Only", Cyrus has to say. But, they are told to come unarmed, no weapons of any sort. Begrudgingly, The Warriors are on that subway ready to hear what Cyrus has to say. Think of Cyrus like he's the Pope and all of these gangs are the Lutherans, The Methodists, Evangelicals and so on. They're having a summit to talk about dominating the city and the police have gotta go. But in order to do that, they must all get along. "Can you dig it?"
 
During this massive gang summit (I'd HATE to be the extras wrangler), Luther (David Patrick Kelly) from The Rogues gang, shoots and kills Cyrus. As chaos breaks out and the gangs scatter, Luther vocally points the finger at the Warriors. The Warrior Warlord, Cleon is captured by another gang and beaten to a pulp. Someone has to get The Warriors back home to Coney Island, so it's up to Swan (Michael Beck) to run the pack home.
 
What the problem you ask? They're unarmed and every gang in the city thinks they killed the Pope. That's bad.
 
Swan leads the group, including their token violent nymphomaniac, Ajax (James Remar) through busted holes in fences, graveyards, subway after subway, over bridges, under bridges and through gang infested neighborhoods, picking up Mercy (Deborah Van Valkenburgh), a mouthy yet fragile hooker, along the way.
 
I'm sure you can all imagine that after one helluva long night dodging gang after gang, that The Warriors do indeed survive their travels home, but man, the motley gangs that these writers and producers have created are phenomenal.
 
I gotta tell you about these gangs. The Rogues are not that scary really. I mean, the drug of choice for this bad-ass gang? Candy. I'm serious. They steal and eat candy in this one scene in a manner that would mirror violating a federal law. What the hell? It's a chocolate bar dude. I dunno, maybe that was the thing in '79. I was only 6 years old, so whatever.
 
Then, there is the mime gang. I don't quite know how to respond to a mime gang. *I'm motioning being trapped in a box*
 
BUT, what scares the hell out of me is the baseball bat gang, The Furies. You have not lived until you've witnessed a true baseball bat fight. This movie's got it. And then there's the Lezzies, oooops, I mean Lizzies, an all-female gang who use hot girl tactics to get a couple of Warrior guys cornered. But they're no match, The Warriors kick so much ass it hurts, especially in the end when Luther and his Rogue gang are taken down by The Gramercy Riffs gang.
 
This movie is so awesome, that if you happen to catch it on a big screen on cult movie night in your hometown USA, run, don't walk, to the theater. The soundtrack is great and I ordered it on Amazon as soon as I watched again this last week.
 
And, it would be a crime if I didn't mention the DJ (Lynne Thigpen), that keeps those gangs running. All you see is her beautiful red lips speak into the microphone, but she gives us and the gangs the score throughout the movie. Pure genius.
 
If you haven't seen The Warriors, you better be dead, or in jail.

Reviewed by Rachel Bennett